Friday, March 4, 2011

The art of the car ride+jobs

I have real problems with getting off campus.

Last time I tried to go off campus was to go to the bank.

My tire ended up blowing out. My bike is currently stranded downtown, IF it hasn't been stolen yet. Luckily it was a $35 bike from Goodwill that I was PLANNING on getting rid of at the end of the semester ANYWAYS.

Then today, I had a class where apparently the class had decided to go landscape painting in a local state park.

I couldn't find a ride out there, so I feel really stupid now. Not to mention I had missed the previous class before because of thesis/my screwed up sleep schedule, so, indeed, I feel REALLY stupid and embarrassed.

Trying to arrange a favor, or something like that, is really hard for me. I have a hard time 'reaching' out to people because I am always worried about their reactions. And that I will get a negative one. I suppose I'm a pessimist like that, and by always assuming the worst, sometimes I hold back unnecessarily?

Another example of this is that I'm currently trying to find references so I can start applying for jobs- in particular the few that are overseas- I need to hurry up on those because they have background checks which take 3 months thanks to our slow FBI.

I feel like I don't have any references really, or that, it's hard for me to ask "can you be a reference for me?" and not feel awkard about it. I always assume that people don't think very highly of me, I guess.

Granted, a lot of this is in my head, but, of course, what starts in the head can be externalized, and this is why a lot of people see me as 'shy' and 'aloof' in real life. With my family, and close friends, I'm really open, but the number of people I REALLY open up to is very, very few.

Most people only see another mask of mine, and it's rather closed off to alot of people. I apologize. Part of it is youth. Part of it is just who I am. It makes this life of mine somewhat tough at times, but, yet, thus is life. I guess.

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